Birthdays

Many asked what I'm gonna do for my bday, how I wanna celebrate & what's the big plan.




Frankly speaking, I haven't thought of it. Ok, maybe I did. But now.. I don't want anything. Just wanna be happy for the 5off days. No work issues, no drama. That's all I asked for.


(remembered asking for 22 "gifts", haha! Now? 妄想 ba melly!)




Just gonna get myself a present(ok, a few 😏), spend my days nuaing & doing random things thats gonna come across my mind.





I don't want surprises. It's been getting pretty predictable these days, haha! Unless you can really get me surprise, or else don't do anything surprising.






Maybe its because I don't wanna feel anything.
Trying to shut off the emotion department. Haha.






My wish is alr smashed. Not coming true. So I dont want anything else.



Pls don't do anything much my friendss.


Really.







Just don't make me feel negative in any ways, that's all.

Love hate r/ship with long days spent outside.



A part of me wants to go out mingle, catch up & meet ppl (new or not).
A part of me just wanna stay home & keep to myself.





Crowds tire me out easily.
Shopping's a chore.
Talking's taking up energy. Alot.


I don't like me now.
Me now doesn't like the things me always like to do.




So anyways,
Caught up with 2 girls. Shoppings talkings & "this is war".



"THIS IS WAR"
Basically, vampire diaries + CIA + soap drama. HOT SEXY ACTION!



&.. It has to remind me of you.
Ya I know, of all things right!
Half daze mode throughout, reliving the moments we had.







A simple "I miss you. How's your day." would suffice. Or something along that line. Making thoughts known is something I would love.




Why can't you just stop thinking so much & maybe you might just see how not-confusing this can be?
Ok, maybe it's me.




understanding takes effort, alot of it. & alot of compromising, love & time.









难道我还不够宽容，不够体贴吗？
还是我要求太多，自以为是？
或有另一个她的存在，所以你不知所错？
我该如何往前走？应为生活上的点点滴滴都会想到你。想着你最近如何，工作辛苦吗？ 多希望能再次靠着你的肩吹着海风。


心里只有一个问题：你是否也象我一样地想着你，多希望你（我）在身边？




一个回应，真的有那么难吗？

of random musing, quotes & happenings.

but ive been waking up and telling my job i dont love you anymore 

that day we pitched a tent, emo over songs, laugh till throats sore tears fall,

& nearly fall aslp with the breezes so cooling.

attackofmrfat! ohsocute!

that day siaocharbor finished her attachment

4am

VanityTrove!

awfullygood. with guilt felt.

12am, drinking water off a small(kids meal) cup with 5 straws

Sequins&Scallops

bowling. i was the biggest loser, cant believe it!

iceskate. whoever told me twas easier than blading, shit you big time.

ECP hawker. my appetite for food has gone. 

1/4 of the plate, i was full.

of cause, force myself to down at least 1/2 of it.

jeans for a day, an accomplishment!

& fuck you work, see those eye bags !

brother is sponsoring me $150 for this baby!

i want the full whites!

told him i could only bear to buy just the camera itself. 

he goggled & saw the whole set, freaking 300ish.

& said, buy the whole set. i give you $150.

in the end, im still only paying for just the camera.

melts!

he even went supermarket & topup the fridge today

so that i will have brekkie on workdays & wont go hungry during the weekdays.

yes, thats my brother.

theres nothing in the world that i would exchange him for, never!

the 1st time i saw him protecting me literally was when he screamed at that asshole to get outta house yearss back. he seen me cried with puffy eyes for weeks. bruises and everything.

& from then on, he will QC every guy, unintentionally.

& secretly telling me whos approved.

sometimes he can really me ROBL.

sigh, my lil bro is growing up,

It comes to a point of harsh realization that a leopard will never change its spot.




But don't blame them, it's just in their blood.




Be glad that you realized why you'll put in so much. & the reason is Because you've fallen before & learnt much more than them to know what's precious & what's impt.






All I wanted is to know that I matter. To feel that I matter.







It's not complicated at all. You're just confusing yourself over what a typical girl would want vs what I want.








One day, something wonderful will happen to me. Well, something wonderful will happen to everybody actually. Just have patience, have a lil more faith.








Feel. Feel the hurt. Feel the pain. Feel the aches. Feel it all over & rem it then let it go. One day, it'll be useful.








I've gotten over & done with an abusive asshole years back. this is nothing as compared, it will be fine in the end. It always have been. Have a lil faith melly.

Feb18

Had a dream while slping.
The most coincidental dream.


Hotel setting.
I saw him in a suit.
Ran towards him & have him the tightest hug ever: "congrats baby, be happy for me."
He said the same thing.
& we parted ways, with happy tears.
Looking back at each other smiling.


the hug, was tight, I felt them.
Warm tears, I felt them.
We were soulmates, no words was needed.


Wokeup, fb, & saw your pictures jiejie posted. Same hotel setting! (wtf really)


Well Now, have a good happy life ahead.
Always love (:





& I'll be on my way, finding my happiness.

After a tense up week at work, I manage to squeeze in a visit to Venus.




With so much questions on mind, the cards however turns out oppositely to what I had in mind. So am I thinking too much? Or I'm thinking too narrowly. Work seems fine.





Endurance, strength & rest are always in the readings. & Venus always can't fathom how I always can endure so much. As a girl.





I can't agree more. I can take in as much as any other guys. In terms of challenge, mentally&physically. & I can always tolerate bullshit & hurt like no other. I'm not showing off though. Cause it only mean that I tends to suffer in silence.







I've been living silently these days. Literally, cause the phone's been on silent mode.(haha!)


Anyhows, not doing much talks unless neccessary. I dont really wanna pick the phone up & check the messages.
Not even trying to do anything to the room, it's on a hiatus (& a mess) now. & guiltily not visiting the gym for a week, but hey I was working at least 4/5 days since I forgot when.

Favegirl asked me on one of the dayss, why you do quiet? That was when i realized how awfully antisocial I've been. Just doesn't wanna talk. Seeking peace within myself.





&,
I miss you.
Your comforting scent.
Garfieldfied eyes.
You trying to win a conversation by making me confused through your sentences. (haha!)
Your hugs.







What about the times we said we will make things alright & better again?








What about the smiles we put on each others face..

I don't understand.
Y'all asked what happen, what's going on.
I described, I explained.
& all end up with me being labelled as "you're complaining"



Coming from the 2 of you..






& I actually realized I was so strung up on work, nth else was in my head. For days. A slight relief perhaps. Distraction.






We both wants to talk to each other.
But...








It's been hell of a week.
That forced me into thinking of a job change. Idk if it means that I'm escaping, or that I'm not strong enough.



But the stress has doubled up,
The body is very drained.
The mind is very fucked.


No, it's not just about what happened for the last one week.
No, I'm not asking for an easier 8-5 job that only requires me to count down time to end work.
No, I wouldn't do that. It's meaningless.







Enough of work now.
No more talking about it during weekends.


______


Deep down, IT still aches.
after so long too many tries,
after so long so many chances,
after so long so much salvaging.



Words are cheap,
I truly understand now.







It's not easy.
To shut down those emotions.
After all, it took me long to open up finally.








I thought we could be more. Much more.









Now I'm hurting all over again.
I admit.







I wish you would insist you'll stay & make things better as I shut you off & push you away.
I wish you were here, be beside me these few days. You don't hafta say any life theories, or anything. Just staying beside me would have been great. Im glad you called after that text though. But...






By nature, humans are all selfish.
But it's a person's character that determines if he/she would wanna be selfish or not. Life is full of choices.

You know me too well.
To always hit a sore point.
Harsh in the right way.
To always nearly make me breakdown.





I'm just too soft in leading my ppl.
& that has to change.
I need to stand out!
More confidence & less emotional(soft) when dealing with them.



Got my lil lil suggestion out.
Hope it works.







"don't bear the unhappiness in your heart when you go home after work, it's only gonna make yourself xinku.
& those ppl that caused you to feel that way? They don't even know or rem. what for right? Don't ever use your heart to think when dealing with ppl. Use less of your heart. Don't bother if they take it to heart if you're hard on them. They should know its because of your job as a leader. & if they wanna take it to heart, then let them be. *look at me* melisa, less of your heart"



i swear its as though he knew something else was wrong.






Coupled with what JE told me the other day..... I will make it through!
Higher, bigger.

; fighting within

Controlling, fighting, curbing.
To tweet & fb.




To disappear over the social network. For awhile.





Restraining myself from making any contacts. Because I know it'll be back in cycles. In cycles of nonstop bickering & uncertainties.








Used to wonder why a friend of mine always MIA & keep to himself for days.
Used to wonder how can someone do something like that, like effortlessly.
Only to realize it how hard it is.







I've no one to talk to.
Or Put it this way, the one that I wanna talk to is the one I dont think i should talk to.

I wanna tweet. I'm so used to tweeting my emotions. I wanna tweet how bad I'm feeling now, How silly I am. How angry, how upset I am. I wanna RT quotes that describe me so well that it's as though someone out there is feeling the same as me at the same time.




But that'll means you'll get to know everything about me. Now.
Or maybe I not sure how I'm supposed to talk(reply) to you. Should I treat it as nothing has ever happen or like I'm super duper fine & not a slightest bit affected?







Look at you. Totally fine.
Nothing much changed in your routine, in your life. Like nothing has happened.

;Drain me energy

I hate it when I dream (aslp).
Dreams drains energy.
& I've been having dreams.
Nightmares, to be exact.
& I don't wanna start thinking what's it in my subconscious mind that got these dreams started.







Chaos.







Used to think them working 4days + 1 off cycle is crazy.
But I actually agreed to all OTs in between shift cycle.







Lethargic.
I need slp.
Smooth dreamless slp.







Work Melmel work!
Everything will be fine in the end.
It has all always been.

; Steel walls

Left me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread




I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
All the stuff that you do



It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done





________






Tore my walls down
Held me up so high
You built your walls
& threw me down from above.









Go, go run along with your perfect life.
Don't come back.

Go, justgo.

; Define Perfect

Yes, define perfect.
Define your perfect date setting
Is it a romantic candle-lit din at an atas, dressed to the nine kinda place or is it anywhere spent with a loved one?


Define perfect life
Is it a high class wealthy life where everyday is scheduled with socializing & pleasing ppl of high society status or a life where everyday is spent to the fullest doing things you like?


Define what a perfect day would have
Is it a day of shopping like no tml or is it a fun day where you spent with ppl you love to the fullest?


Define whats your perfect other half
Is he/she gonna be super good looking like a model or understanding & caring to you?


Define what they need to have to be perfect
Is having the 5Cs more impt Or loving you ?



You see, everyone's definition of perfect is different.
So there really isn't such thing call perfect.
What One deem perfect may be thrash or worthless to another.
What one deem perfect may be not enough for another.
Same thing vice versa.







Perfect is when you look at something/someone & you're glad that it's yours & you feel blessed to have come across it. Others may think it isn't good enough for you, that you deserve better.


Think again, what other think vs what you felt.
You've only got 1 life, & maybe only 1 opportunity to have come across a perfect thing, wouldn't what you feel matters over what others THINKS?




I'm blabbering craps over the phone I a bid to digress the tummy aches.
Sigh, food poisoning's an ass!
Have a great weekend!


X!

Post-din thoughts

Out with a friend to din din at a super nice place last night. Nope, not your usual atas dressed up place.


just something simple,
Something that I love. Alfresco! Along the coast. To be close to the seas/ocean, is good enough.


Ocean/seas makes me relax & calms me down. It clears the mind. Sometimes so much that I start to go blank. Haha!


Enough of digression,
& I quote my friend:
"I only have 24hrs a day, why would I wanna waste it on things that isn't worth my attention when I can use my it to pay attention on things that matter to me, on things that I deem worthy, on things that are impt to me."





Enough said! Like like like!
Got me thinking.





For every minute you used in something/someone that isn't worthy of your attention, you lost a minute of giving it to those who are worth it.



Just like the infamous quote,
"for every minute you frown/get angry, you lost 60secs of happiness."







Think about it ppl (:
What lost is lost,
Focus on what you have & what you wanna have in future. Dont dwell I the past & hold regrets.



You shouldn't have any regrets anw.
Because at any point of time you made a decision, it was the correct move that's you deem you should make.








X.

[HQ] [KTV] 周杰倫 - 給我一首歌的時間 2008

me: eh, whats the jay chou song with the chorus like that "能不能给我一首个的时间.."

they: you just sang the title out.

me: *facepalmsmackheadfaint*