; its just so simple

这一回，
我真的累了。
好累好累。
从早到晚都在忙。
从醒来的那一刻，冲冲忙忙的。
因为不想尺到。
到了lab, 也是冲冲忙忙的。
因为不想被骂，不想看脸色。
回到家也是冲冲忙忙的。
因为想快整理好东西然后快点睡。



但又有谁看得到，
又有谁看得出，
又有谁能理解或体谅呢？




在每个人眼里，
我总是做得不过多，不够好，不够快。
总是做出他人认为是不明确的选择。



好想哭，
但是会被批平为懦弱，
批平为吃不起苦。
眼泪 ＝ 懦弱／吃不起苦吗？
很多时后，我只不过是真的撑不下去了。
好想breakdown一下。


我是人，不是机器。
机器坏了，你们可以接受它“做工”几天了。
人累了，你们却看成是我们懒惰了，不够用工。





啊。
好想被安慰，
又能有谁能够给予我呢？


好想被宠坏，耍个无心的小姐脾气／淘气。
好想有个能够让我依靠的人，
一个能躲在他怀里，好让我在那一刻能够逃避现实的人。
不要求多； 只要有他在的地方，我能relax，能不用担心任何大小事物。

好想有个人担心我的处近，健康（mind／health）。
了解我的疲惫，了解我有我的breakdown的时刻。
一个能分担哀愁，分享喜乐的人。







只是那么简单，
但我知没那么简单。

Pee to the I to the doubles asses ing.

& someday, I promise I'll be gone.

the highly craved honeycombs in the lab now.

surprisingly, it isnt as sweet as the normal ones out there.

 Earth Hour @ Orchard.

fave pin-ups.

effortlessly with a clip.

a subaru went up the curb @ Cineleisure.

4/5 of its whole body was on the curb.

& engine overheated.

confirmed, cause i smell that smell before xD

2 CD bikes, 1 CD car & 1 fire engine.

2 police car & 1 ambulance.

-.- 

didnt seem that serious lor.

Cornery!

LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem ft. Lauren Bennett, GoonRock

everyday im shuffling~
LMFAO FTW!

Silence; a woman's loudest cry

surrounded myself with friends & their laughters.

tried writing & drawing.

tried music (99% of the time works, guess now its the 1%)

tried photography ( capturing happy moments of ppl & things)

tried retail theraphy.

i didnt bother to really look ard much.

I am feeling down, negative.

its been days.

i seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY OR THE EXACT CAUSE.

complilations of many factors over time.

its has always been my nature to suppress everything & every feelings within me.

but when it comes bursting out,

i'll be totally at my worst, all out down.

& no happy pills or cure will work.

& it'll prolly goes on and on for days.

or weeks.

back then, i'll cry any negativity out.

be it problems with friends, lover, work or myself.

the tears seems to have used up long ago.

nth flows out now.

i am really stressed out,

drained out,

tire out.

feeling as though im not good enough.

for anything.

wtf is wrong with me ?!

For the 1st time on the record,
I'm falling aslp during overnights!!!
Shit!

I nearly walk into a trolley.
Twice.





Boss bought OCM treats.
& the honeycombs got the ladies in my team hooked.
So dead.
But so nice!
Finished the 1st pack, like uber fast.
The second Is finishing.
& it's not good with me alone in the lab now.


Imagine Me peeping at the opened pack.
The pack & the fats is begging me to eat it.
The mind says no, Mel no.




I'm talking to myself again.
Great.
Nooooooooo ~

Karma.

Think I'm uber nice all the time right?
Think I'll just suck it up and forget about it right?
You thought wrong dude.


I do not feel bad at all, FYI.
On the contrary, it feels good.




_____





Whatapps makes me happy.
Haha!
Esp the group chats.
I laugh myself silly for 1.5 hrs at work.
& I was facing the computer.
So everyone who walks by look at me like on sort.


But I cant Laugh Out Loud right?!
That'll be more crazy.



& I like how some brightens up my day constantly.
With motivation and praises.






______


For once, stop noticing me can not you ppl?!
Notice more confirm look fat la!
Very demoralizing one lei!
I really haven't been eating much on work days.
& I pretty much work almost 6 days a week now.
Not that I want to.
The appetite just ain't there.
So stop commenting I'm fat.
I know!

edited/ sunflowers.

 from Samm, thankQ babe (:

but the polish remover send me into 2 hrs long fits of sneezes.

it contain lavender scent T.T




Times @ Work; i love lomography.
wanna get my hands on the original camera itself !

drama photography in progress.
snap#1: failed

snap #2: just pass

snap#3; passed !

short meetups with the ladies;

serious talks.

still sneezing much, my nose is uber itchy!
it has been hours ~

seriously, how many more things am i allergic to ?
food, medicine & now, scent
what next ?!

places covered for the week;

Bugis with NHT.

HappyLemon, i♥taimei & talks.

closest to Mac's Seaweed shaker fries we reckon.

nice!

Out with the usual weekend suspects.

in search of Macky's Clothing.

and seriously, they only have it for Macpro 15", MacAir or Mac.

all unibody.

pissed off.

♥ this picture !

Chocolate Research Facililty @ Wheelocks.

Their packaging is super appealing.

would have bought the polka dots ones home if it werent for the flavour.

POUTS BIG TIME!

Ivin's for Din, the peranakan style.

FABUMY (Fabulously Yummy)!

operation assam fish head.

battling the fish bone monster ~

& it was a success (:

it's all our first time eating fish head outside.

hahaha!

no confident.

but, we accomplished it. 

clean!

ICC for dessert.

definitely not my cuppa tea.

i thought Marble's Slab or Cold Rock Creamery is far more better.

or even Island Creamery.

& Furby's Bdae celebration.
(no pictures yet)



thats all for the week.
shall end off with a nice song of the moment.
by chris medina, 2011 american idol castoff.
for his fiancee who suffer from brain injuries after an accident.
touching~



cause what kinda guy would i be if i were to leave when you need me most.

what are words when you really mean them when you say them ?
what are words if they're only for the good times, then it's on?

Who's to not agree that laughters is the best med to anything.
& it's feels good to be complimented by a drag queen.
Let alone a celebrity.


(:




Found the best place to star gaze.
It's full moon today.
Stars & full moon, ah.
I saw a shooting star for the 1st time of my life.






Dreamt last night.
Woke up feeling ...


& a damm prudential man blocked my taxi queue.
Apparently, he was trying to talk me into working as his agent.
 I lost 2 taxi because of him.



Meeting the face tml !
Macky needs doctor ):

To give it all or nothing at all;

I lived by this phrase.
Yet somehow, that's what kills me too.




I just got reminded today.
That I've been thinking too much for others.
Caring too much.
Being too nice.


I was asked to think for myself.
Definitely not the 1st time someone came up to me and scold me for being too nice.




The nature of me, the very essence that make up me.
Is killing me slowly.
Without me realizing.



Def your sweet dream, my nightmare.

some times back,

sitting by the ledge walking the world goes by.

was talking to a friend.

of relationships and marriages.

of whatever that we had seen in others in years that has passed.
reality, personality and its toll on people.

saw this link of FB today.

nice.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out 

on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Depressed;

"you looked hagged"
"you look like you've put on some weight"
"you look like 23-24 yrs"



What happen to,
"are you a student?"
"you look fresh"




Something's wrong with the body recently.
I no longer wanna fall aslp,
The whole body is so suan till I could hardly lie properly.
The tummy's been making all kinda growling sound.
& the woman is feeling fat.





Anyhow
I'm gonna forget bout clearing the brought over leaves.
clearing it = others suffer.
& I don't wanna go through another "February".
Neither does the others deserves to go through it.




Oh sarah!
I'm waiting for April.
It's time!

4 reactors down,
2 more in critical condition.


& the politics gets into picture.
With opposition party finding faults,
& TEPCO not reporting straight to the govt.




Seriously.
Ppl are risking life in the plant saving it.
Finding ways to prevent meltdown and more hydrogen explosion.
Exposing to that much of radiation.
Yet they're out there complaining and trying to active something outta it.


Indeed,
The greed for power is a very scary thing.
Complete turnoff.
Zero respect given.

Losing count;

How long more?
How much more?
How far more?




_____





But how much is more?
How much is enough?
Clearly, there's a vague line in-between.
& I'm not sure either.

Current Muse;