Lousy;

maybe im still somewhat not accustomed to be doing what im doing.
but ive been on this since april, 2 months now ?


somewhat i feel lousy.
my confidence is dropping.
my esteem is on the low.





Dont tell me to not worry and etc.
really.





Sometimes, i feel like im shutting away people even when they actually have kind intentions.
Im sorry to those who understood and gave me my space.


Sometimes, i feel as though my boss doesnt like me because im so lousy to him.
or maybe i cant do anything right. Amidst all the moving out plans and etc, i couldnt help anything. im lousy. yeap.



Sometimes i dont feel like im part of them despite being part of them. I get my news from ppl from other dept that so and so is coming. Im being left there at my the table while they group around and talk. ok, imma small fry. yeap, not fit to know anything inside the group.



Im doing what i should be doing (maybe its not enough to them).
the "mentor" left for her maternity leave, im here to clear shit and let the clients scold for not informing them that the "mentor" is on materity leave. Im being blame Because I dont know something, anything.
Incompetent, thats what i am to them.



Im just the girl who is the other option left to takeup the jobscope because there werent others?






invoicing ? i knew shit. But i did it !
how the system works ? i knew shit. But hey! i did it !


I had to do reference for the past 1/2 a year to understand how things works. so that i cant churn out the invoices. no one could teach me how exactly was it done. everybody's busy with their own clients and etc. I had to go through references of what went on for past few months to find the patterns and similarities to have an idea whats to be done for each things that i doesnt know how to. Alongside, replying mails, settling and coaxing the clients, keying results, learning to diagnose(recently). all in 2 months(till now). But im viewed as weak and lousy cause im not competent enough. cause i cant get things right. but hey, do i not get a lil more time ?






kinda depressing.
being blame for things youve never done. things that happen even before you step up.
and no, you cant breakdown in front of them. that'll even make you look more lousier.


Do you even know how many times did i wanted to breakdown cause i couldnt take the scoldings the blamings? do you even know the time where i hafta stay past 830 to complete shit by others? I nearly cried in front of fir, it was that shitty that i had to take a moment on my own.

*you refers to no one*




"youre complaning, youre not solving the problem"
I'll never forget the very 1st time i nearly cried in front my colleagues.
deeply etched across the mind.








& Thanks L,
for being there, always.